First in 'Four Christmas: A Lifetime' Series

1979

Hutch looked out of the plane's window and tried to put his thoughts in order. He had to, if he wanted to have his answer for Starsky on his return. That meant less than two hours left for contemplation.

Not that those three days in San Francisco had given him anything that resembled an answer, but this could easily be the most important decision of his life. Rather not just a possibility, it was unquestionably the most essential decision of his life.

He shouldn't be so surprised by the bomb that Starsky had dropped at his feet four days ago; it wasn't like it was the first time that their relationship had taken that kind of turn.

They had confessed to each other, in a drunken night at the academy that they had both played on the other side of the fence before — him with Jack and Starsky in Vietnam. So it came quite naturally, after his divorce and once they became partners on the force, to find comfort in each other's arms after the worst crises.

In the beginning it was just that, comfort and adrenaline and the need to bank the violence that still shimmered inside them. But everything changed after Forest.

Maybe it was the loving way Starsky had held him in his arms as he trembled and shuddered, having seizure after seizure. It was Starsky that wiped his sweat and held his head as he puked again and again.

He had never felt that protected; not even his mother had ever held him that way. Starsky was home. He had tried to tell himself that the extent of his emotions wasn't genuine, that it was just a byproduct of his predicament.

No such luck. Bellamy's poison had shown those ideas as the nonsense that they were. His heart had decided to take a stand, but it seemed pointless. Starsky was mostly straight; and even if he wasn't, that kind of relationship on more permanent basis could have easily cost them their jobs.

And Starsky's career was his whole world. Add in his desire for children, plus his need to be the toughest cop in their beat, and you had the perfect recipe for disaster.

Subsequently, he held his counsel and a few months later met Gillian. He loved that woman; almost as much as he loved Starsky. And if she had lived he would have married her, and would have been happy with her, and maybe they could have had children together. Then his feelings for Starsky would have stayed firmly where they should.

In all that despair, Starsky was there. He not only had taken him on his dates with his flavor of the month, but he had spent more nights in Hutch's bed than in her's.

Their nights had taken a sweet flavor; so much that that he had started thinking that maybe he should take a chance and confess. However, the point became moot when Starsky met Terry.

For all her sugary sweetness, Terry was shrewd. She had him figured out within five minutes and used it to twist the knife so sweetly when she was calling Starsky her best friend.

In spite of that, he liked her. Starsky needed that kind of strength at his side and her sweetness was calming him. What did it matter that she was petty? She was good for Starsky and he had accepted her with all his heart.

But she died, too. Starsky had cried hysterically in his arms and her parting shot was a magnificent one. Starsky was really touched and that alone was reason to mourn her.

But they were back on track after a while. Hutch thought it was over and done with, but then came Rosie Malone. He didn't believe for a second that Starsky really had a chance with her, but he hated the misery that she caused his partner. However Starsky had loved her.

And truth be told, if the choice was Starsky in pain and his, or Starsky with someone else, there was really no choice at all. He would rather dance at Starsky's wedding, and love it, than cause him even one second of pain.

He pushed aside his need, his want for partner, and managed it pretty well until he was struck down with the plague. Starsky had said things in that hospital, and after, that had made him open up and truly hope that there was a future for them out there.

Yet, as he had started to stand on his own feet again, Starsky was out for the next conquest.

That had made him so angry that he had started a chain of idiotic actions, creating a chasm between them; a rift the extent of which he had not comprehended until he was forced to hear Starsky refer to Meredith as his partner.

The words had hurt far more than his injury; it was the first time that his place at Starsky's side was threatened. Unfortunately, he reacted the same way he always did and simply retreated.

He got so numb emotionally that when Lionel ended up dead he was ready to give up everything so he wouldn't start feeling again.

And Starsky stood by him, ready to leave their careers behind and start anew. And as they got themselves tangled in Alison's problems, everything seemed to get right on itself. They were still friends; they were still partners, and so what if they were not lovers? Nothing was perfect.

That resolve was severely tested when they were partnered with Kira. At first glance she was a very gracious, beautiful lady; a competent cop that seemed to melt under his partner's insistent flirting. And Starsky even proclaimed that he loved her.

Love! What was there to love about her? She was a decent enough cop, but Hutch could see nothing significant beyond that.

But Starsky could have seen something in Kira that he had missed. Once again he was ready to resolve himself to stepping aside gracefully. Instead, the story ended differently.

Starsky had come to him later that night, after the blow-out at Kira's. He expected accusations, insults, or even blows. But Starsky did none of those and by the end of the night not only was the friendship repaired, but they were lovers once again.

They only had a week of happiness together before Gunther's hit had almost shattered them. He was still wakening up at nights shaken to his core, but Starsky had made it.

As soon as Starsky had first woken from his coma, Hutch was ecstatic. He undertook all the preparations for Starsky's recovery, even moving his partner into his apartment for the duration. A pleasant and necessary task, as his landlord was selling the house.

And any doubts Hutch might have had, wondering about whether Starsky would once again push him aside for other romantic pursuits, were quickly dismissed. Right before Hutch was due to fly out for a meeting on Gunther's pretrial, Starsky admitted that his almost dying had opened his eyes. He loved Hutch and wanted to spend the rest of his life by his side.

And then Starsky was kissing the breath out of his body. For a second it was perfect; everything that he dreamed. But then it was too much, too good to be true. And then Hutch bolted, out of the door and on a plane to San Francisco as a means of escape.

He had spent his days away concentrating in the hearing, but the thought of Starsky's revelation kept creeping in. Even if his panicked doubts were true, that didn't invalidate Starsky's admittance. Hutch had to collect his thoughts and figure out what to do before he returned to Bay City. Unfortunately, that time was running out.

In the end if Starsky wanted the company of a lady from time to time, he could live with that or if worst came and some day he found the special lady he wanted to have children with, he would withdraw. Their friendship could survive. And it was worth it, even in those terms, he had accepted less.

+++++++++++

Starsky was waiting for him when he landed; and if he had any doubt about his feelings, the agonizing expression on Starsky's face put that worry at ease.

He wanted to tell him that everything would be alright, that he loved him more than his own soul, that he wasn't going to leave him again, but the words were inadequate. Instead, he opened his arms and held Starsky with all that he was worth.

Hutch felt Starsky melting in his arms and his body softened in return. He had no idea that he held such weariness in his body, nor that he could experience such relief, but suddenly it was like his body had lost a serious burden.

Unexpectedly, he felt protected, warm and loved, as he never had in his life. Everything that this man had given him before was now engulfing his whole being. Hutch felt his own love for Starsky overflow. He was home; he was finally home.

"I missed you, Starsk", Hutch breathed.

"I ain't going anywhere."

And Hutch knew, for the first time maybe, that it was always going to be true.

Back in the car, Starsky asked, "Are you done running, Blondie?"

"No more running," Hutch promised.

"Good." Starsky smiled. "I was starting to worry with the way that you left."

"I'm not leaving. Not willingly."

Starsky pulled over abruptly.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Means I'm in this thing as long as you are, Starsk."

"Which means forever. What part of 'us alone' don't you understand? It's only been three days, so how the hell did you forget?"

"You might change your mind," Hutch admitted.

Suddenly, Starsky grabbed Hutch across the seat by his jacket, bringing their faces closer. "Listen to me, Blondie, and listen good. There's no need in me that you can't cover. Got it?"

"You're giving up your dreams for this," Hutch whispered.

"My dreams?! My dreams are with you!" Suddenly, Starsky face fell. "Unless it's you who wants out. You're turned off by the scars, aren't you?"

Now he was pissed. "Where the hell did you get that from? I don't give a shit about the scars."

"You could have fooled me!"

"What are you talking about Starsky?"

"All this backing off, backing away. What's with that?"

Hutch didn't dare meet his partner's eyes. "I thought it was safer."

"Idiot!"

"Well, look at my track record, would you?!"

"Hutch, do I look like that friggin' bitch, Vanessa?"

"No," Hutch admitted.

"Good, you had me wondering. Do you still trust me?"

"Always Starsk"

"Then trust me. I've never been happier than after I moved with you. The only thing that might ever equal that is if we got back on the streets."

"Right," Hutch said, harshly. "And right after that they boot us out again when they find out what we've been up to."

"I walked away with you once; I'd choose you again." Starsky freely admitted.

His mouth was hanging open and Starsky closed it so tenderly that he flushed to the top of his ears.

"As long as we're together, that's the only thing that matters. Working the streets here or robbing banks in Bolivia, makes no difference to me."

There must been something different in his eyes because before he knew it Starsky's lips were on his. It was countless moments before he pulled back.

"If I had lost you, instead of Terry, I wouldn't have been alive today." He paused, looking into Hutch's eyes and smiling. "Besides, I have a plan!"

Instantly, Hutch was suspicious. "What kind of plan?"

"You'll see," Starsky teased.

"Starsk..."

"Okay, okay," he relented. "I talked to Helene yesterday. Officially, on January 15th, I'm moving into the next apartment. Well, on paper anyway."

"And unofficially?" Hutch pushed.

"Oh, I think you know where I'll be," Starsky laughed.

Yes, yes he did.